A Letter from the European Union, Year 2030
Congratulations! You’ve successfully navigated another week of permitted thoughts and authorized behaviors. As a reward, your carbon-social-privacy score remains stable, and your toaster will continue to function with EU-approved firmware for another 72 hours.
Dear Digitally Disobedient Citizen,
We hope this message finds you compliant and sufficiently confused.
Congratulations! You’ve successfully navigated another week of permitted thoughts and authorized behaviors. As a reward, your carbon-social-privacy score remains stable, and your toaster will continue to function with EU-approved firmware for another 72 hours.
Please take a moment to review this week’s Mandatory Transparency Bulletin:
- Free Speech Reminder: You are still free to speak—as long as your opinions align with our evolving definition of acceptable discourse, curated by trusted NGO partners and triple-verified fact-checkers trained in Brussels, Geneva, and a damp basement in Palo Alto.
- Digital Independence Warning: Attempts to host your own content, question centralized moderation, or use encryption beyond “mild obfuscation” are considered indicators of radical behavior. Please report yourself to the nearest online re-education kiosk for calibration.
- Platform Choice Update: We noticed you tried to access a decentralized platform. Please note: these platforms are unregulated and may expose you to ideas. Your connection has been rerouted to SafeNet, where your thoughts can be guided back on track.
- Privacy Advisory: You previously requested “more privacy.” We’ve granted this by limiting your search results to 3 options and hiding your posts from public view. You're welcome.
In closing: Remember, we’re not watching you—we’re just watching the data that defines you. Totally different.
Stay safe, stay silent,
The Unified Bureau for Civic Harmony and Algorithmic Wellness (UBCHAW)
“Because your freedom is our responsibility”